The Great Indian Litterbug

A few weeks back I attended my cousin’s wedding in Bangalore. Although I hate going to weddings where there is an unnecessary need to make small talk with strangers, I couldn’t think of an excuse that would get me out of going to this wedding. During lunch time, after much jostling and elbowing and few minor bruises, I finally found myself at the front of the buffet queue, when an elder lady nudged me aside and took my place. I was about to complain when she gave me a look, a look that clearly said that her age and her girth would be no match for my words. I controlled my anger, after all this was not the first Indian marriage I had been to and I knew how old women played the seniority card to embarrass the younger girls, badgering them with questions about marriage and kids.

As I sat down to eat along with my daughter, I saw people piling up their plates in one corner of the room. Even though it was a buffet, where people had a choice to select only the dishes that they wanted to eat, most of the plates were full with uneaten food. Obviously, the guests believed that it was their right to waste food that the bride’s parents had painstakingly paid for. But what perplexed me more was the complete nonchalance among people. Although there was a huge basket to throw the dirty plates and glasses, people kept piling the food laden plates on the floor. Within a few minutes the dinning hall’s corner turned messy and the same people who had strewn on the floor complained about the filth. Talk about short term memory loss!

But it’s not the first time and definitely not the last time we Indians show a complete disregard to rules and proper conduct. Recently Bangalore Municipal came out with a guideline about segregating dry and wet waste which would help in better waste management. Our apartment, following BBMP rules set up large garbage bins, labeled dry, wet, garden and hazardous waste. There were meetings held, warnings about other apartments being fined for neglecting to follow waste segregation, circulars posted on notice boards on how to separate waste. And the result? Plastics bags strewn around the waste bins, sanitary pads and dirty diapers thrown in the hazardous waste, scraps from kitchen thrown in garden bins. Complete mayhem and disagreement amongst the residents on which waste should go where. Apparently men are intelligent enough to travel to moon and back but they are totally clueless when it comes to litter management.

source-istockphotos.com

We want to etch and leave the symbol of our individualism on everything that we see, that’s why we like to take a leak on walls with notices such as “Urinating here is strictly prohibited”. The lovey-dovey couples cannot romance in public places, lest they are dragged by a gruff policeman and fined for exchanging couple of kisses behind the bushes. So what do they do? They proclaim their love for each other to the whole world by engraving their names inside a heart on historical monuments using stones. Their love may not last forever but their carving will be forever imprinted on history, see? So don’t be too surprised if you see the same name carved with multiple partners on the walls of Red Fort.

source- thehindu.com

“Raju ♥ Sheela” “Raju ♥ Nisha” “Raju ♥ Meena”. Poor Raju! What a hard time he has had with all the etching he was forced to do for his lovers.

We strive hard to keep our house clean and then throw the garbage outside our home. Of course, we don’t own the road, the government does and it’s the government’s job to keep the road clean, isn’t it?

We spit, throw junk out of moving vehicles and if our trash drops on people driving behind us, then tough luck. They should know better! Perhaps along with a helmet the man riding a two-wheeler also needs a full body armor to protect him from the junk being thrown by the vehicles surrounding him.

And although a public toilet is available within ten feet distance we would prefer our children to pee on the roadside. Public toilet? Ugh! They are so unhygienic! And why suffer in a filthy toilet when we can make use of the abundant nature and the greenery of the bushes to make our Chunnu/Munnu take a leak. Anyway once the boy grows up, he would mark the territories of the walls of this great nation with his holy water! So we are just doing our bit in his early education, no?

source- http://www.dailymail.co.uk/

We look down upon the cultures of the western nation but when we visit their countries we look at the clean, spotless roads and wonder why India is so dirty and polluted. Maybe we could take a leaf out of their book and learn to pick up our crap and filth from public roads.

This is OUR country, these are OUR rivers, these are OUR monuments and these are OUR roads. WE have a responsibility of maintaining them and keeping them clean.

 This post was written for "The Great Indian Litterbug" contest by Times Of India hosted by Indiblogger.

Travelling Woes and Smelly Encounters

If I was ever to show my palm to an astrologer, he would declare that the travel rekha is quite strong in my destiny. That is, if there is such a line in palm which indicates the amount of journey one accomplishes in one’s life.

It all started when I joined an Engineering college that was 45-50 kms away from my house and I had to travel daily 4 hours to and fro. The drivers of the private buses mistook the national highways to be their own Formula One race circuits and dangerously overtook other buses, shouting the choicest of abuses at each other. When we reached college, my friend and I used to visit the temple at the entrance to thank the Lords above for allowing us to live yet another glorious day.

After graduation I worked as lecturer and the college that I was employed in was situated in the outskirts, in the lap of nature (literally translated to cheap real estate prices), which meant that, again I had to travel for considerable time. Currently, as an IT employee, I spend 2-3 hours of my day travelling. So it’s apt to say that at least one-fourth of my precious lifetime was spent in buses.

I do enjoy the journey because I have my music and my books but the problem arises when the buses are crowded.  During my college days the private buses had blend of all varieties of smell. If there was the college dude with his strong Axe perfume, giving him tough competition was the fisherwomen with their fresh bounty in the basket under the seat. If we had that year’s Rose Queen girl with her expensive Charlie fragrance wafting in the bus, we had the local drunkard reeking of the Toddy that was consumed last night and probably in the morning too. Then of course we had the college geek who was too busy studying, to notice that he had worn the same stinky socks for the past one week.

This is how we travel in India

The buses were so crowded that many of my friends travelled while standing on the foot board or hanging behind the bus. Squashed in between the midst of human bodies I had difficult time breathing in some fresh air. There were many thoughtless, stinking men and women, who in their rush wouldn’t have taken a hot bath or applied perfume to combat their overpowering BO. And there I was, my short 5’2 height becoming a liability and the other people towering over me, I had to control myself from gagging.

All I wanted to do is shout “What’s that smell Boss?” But good sense prevailed and I pushed my way to the footboard. Travelling dangerously but breathing in the clean, fresh air was a better option I felt. So this way I suffered for the 4 years of my Engineering and now that I travel in Volvo buses with the AC on, the situation has slightly improved.

Say No to Body Odor :-)

But there are days when I am happily sitting in my favorite seat enjoying my music, when a gigantic aunty with a humongous bottom and BO comes and plops herself in my adjacent seat. By the time she adjusts herself in her seat, half of my body is flattened on the window next to me. I am very particular about my quota of the seat or my portion of the bed and I don’t like anyone invading my space. I try to be pushy too in such situations, but invariably give up in the end, thinking of being squashed next to the sweaty underarms of the gigantic aunty.

Ah, I prefer being half out of the window anytime compared to the other alternative. 

https://www.facebook.com/racoldthermoltd

Image source: http://www.istockphoto.com/

A Memorable Trip With My Heroes

It was late in the night and my daughter, Adi, was fast asleep. I ambled to the living room where my husband was comfortably lounged on the sofa watching television. I sat on the sofa beside him and we companionably watched a movie together, swigging beer from a bottle. Suddenly I sat upright and looked at him.

Me: Ashok, I have a confession to make. I have been hiding something from you.

Ashok: What? What did you do? Did you take out the car again and hit something?

Me: Noooooo. This is something I have to get off my chest. This happened last summer when you were in US for your project. I had been on a trip with 5 other men.

Ashok(now standing and fuming down on me): What? You had an affair? With 5 other men?

Me: Noooooo. There was no hanky-panky involved. We had just been on the trip. Purely platonic trip. 

I fluttered my eyelashes to show that I was innocent.

Ashok: Who were the men who went along with you?

I take out my purse and keep 5 photos on the table. I always carried them along as memories.

 

Ashok: (Sputtering) What? When? How did you go along with these on a trip?

Me: Well, it was Aamir Khan who arranged the trip and the others agreed to accompany us. We first flew to Netherlands. Amitabh wanted to re-visit his ‘Silsila’ days and take a walk down the memory lane.

Once we landed in Netherlands we rented a car. Of course we had to travel in style so we rented a Ford Mustang convertible car. With the breeze in my hair and my feet up I felt free and liberated. The company of handsome and debonair men helped too.

We visited the flower fields in Holland and Amitabh and I ran in between the rows and rows of tulips singing 

‘Dekha ek khwaab to yeh silsile hue
Door tak nigahon mein hain gul khile hue’.

 It was the most beautiful sight and the colorful flowers danced as we sang together.

We also visited the ancient castles and the serene lakes. Amit and I went boating in the lakes holding hands and singing 

‘do lafzon kee hai, dil kee kahaanee
yaa hain mohabbat yaa hain jawaanee’. 

Amit was taken back to his time when he was young and he got to romance the gorgeous heroines.

 

After Netherlands, Hrithik insisted that he wanted to visit Vienna where he wanted to see the museums and churches.

And since we had Ambi Pur Car Aqua Air Fresheners along with us, we were ensured that none of the smelly socks and sweaty shirts ruined our memorable trip. 

We visited the St. Stephen’s cathedral which is an architectural wonder. I was amazed at the spell binding paintings inside the church. Hrithik and I took a hot-air balloon ride and it was a truly liberating experience to be so high in the air and have a splendid view of the mesmerizing city. 

We also visited the Kunsthistorisches museum which looked like a palace with a dome on the top of the building. Being an art connoisseur, Hrithik thoroughly enjoyed himself on this trip.

The fashionista in Ranbir was itching to visit Paris and we had to succumb as Ranbir won us over with his cute charisma.  Of course I couldn’t say no to Ranbir when he looked at me with his puppy eyes and dimples, could I?

So off we went to Paris, the most stylish and happening city in world. We had to visit the Eiffel Tower and I had no words to describe the magnificent iconic structure. It was lit up in the night like a thousand shining stars and I fell in love with it. In some ways the city personifies Ranbir with it’s charming and stylish backdrop.

 

We also visited Notre-Dame de Paris, the famous cathedral. The Gothic architecture left me speechless. I sat down in one of the pews and looked around me, even as I watched Ranbir prancing around the cathedral with his backpack. I silently prayed that he find his love and settle down soon just as his parents had done so. 

 

By now we had an indignant and peeved person among us. Shahrukh Khan was most vexed because we had not listened to him. He was jumping around and insisting that we visit Switzerland. I had to calm him down and assure him that he was still the king of Bollywood and only then he agreed to accompany us for the rest of the journey.

And off, we went to Switzerland, the heaven, the mecca on earth. First SRK took us to Aare Gorge in Hasli Valley and even though we had to hike on feet the view was breathtaking and worth the effort.

Since SRK had done most of his film shootings in Switzerland he knew all the best places. 

Next he took us to Staubbach Falls where we stood below the water fall with the water sprays drenching us. It was really cold and my teeth started chattering. Instantly SRK offered me Cognac and said that it would bring some warmth. He kept insisting that Cognac was not an alcoholic drink. I said that I would prefer chocolates to a drink.

And SRK got me an assortment of Swiz chocolates. SRK is a sweetheart. No wonder Gauri sticks to him always.

 

SRK said that he would then take me to heaven. For a moment I panicked wondering if I would meet a fate similar to Shilpa Shetty in Baazigar. But he just took to me to Matterhorn. I was awestruck looking at the mountain covered in snow. It was indeed heaven on earth, a paradise. I kissed SRK on his cheeks for showing me this place and SRK blushed.

Now, I was left wondering if Aamir could take me to any place that was more beautiful than Switzerland. But I had underestimated the perfectionist.

We flew to Maldives where he had booked a resort right in the middle of the sea. Wherever I looked, I could only see the vast expanse of blue sea, calm, quiet and composed, just like Aamir.

We went sailing where Mr. Perfect gobbled a whole fish inside his mouth. We went scuba diving and explored the underwater world with the colorful fishes and ferns. Since we both are Pisceans, we took to water like a fish and enjoyed swimming and water-sports.

 

At last we had to come back from our awesome trip as all the men had to report for shooting but it was a trip that all of us enjoyed and had fun.

As I finished talking I saw Ashok was sitting with his mouth open and gawking at me.

Ashok: What happened next?

Me: What else, the alarm rang and I had to wake up from my dream.

I took a swig from the bottle and turned back to the television.

All images are sourced from Google, Wikipedia and http://www.myswitzerland.com
This post is written for Ambi Pur contest at Indiblogger.

The Reason For My Grey Hairs!

I'm sure that most mothers would relate to this cartoon strip!

Now you know why I have so many grey hairs on my head!!!

My Daughter's 15th Birthday Present- An Unforgettable WeChat Meeting

*This post contains a lot of words in regional languages so you may want to keep a translator handy*

Date:  29th March

Year: 2027

Place: Bengaluru, India

I opened my PalmPad account as soon as I got up in the morning. My mother kept pestering me that I spent too much time on PalmPad, but I know for a fact that she has an account on Facebook and she checks it at least once a day. Gosh, Facebook is so outdated I don’t even know what my mom uses it for.

Anyway today is my 15th birthday and I am pretty excited to check all the birthday wishes and e-virtual gifts that my friends would have sent. As I opened my inbox, the first mail that I saw was an invite from a person called “The Boy who lived” to connect on WeChat at a place called Hog’s Head Inn.

I was puzzled and curious. Now who was this “The Boy who lived”? And why had he invited me? Wait, there was something below. It was a personal note saying that I was invited to the Tri-Wizards Convention. Now I was really baffled.

I went to my mother to ask if she knew about a “Boy who lived”. But as soon as she sees me she’s onto my case.

Mom: Advika, I know it’s your birthday today, but it doesn’t mean that you can miss your classes. Don’t you need to get ready?

Me: I will mom. Tell me do you know someone called the boy who lived.

Mom: Yes, a little less than 2 decades back we had a very popular fictional character called Harry Potter –There were a series of books and movies made on this character. But why do you want to know?

I just gave her a vague reply and returned back to my room. There were so many questions in my mind. So why was this fictional character Harry Potter inviting me to a convention. Assuming I was the second wizard and Harry the first, then who would be the third wizard at the meeting. I was all consumed by my queries. I decided to join the meeting.

I logged into my WeChat account and connected to the meeting. Now all that was left was to transport myself to Hog’s Head. I purchased some virtual Floo powder and blew it into the meeting with the passcode.  Then I clearly said aloud ‘Hog’s Head’.

I was instantly transported to a dark place that looked scary and ominous. I looked around and sitting on my right was a young guy with spectacles. He had kind of a scar mark on his forehead and he looked quite cute in a nerdy way.

: Hi, are you Harry Potter?

: Yes, do you know about me

: Well, I just know that you are a famous fictional character.

: Umm, then let me introduce myself, I’m a wizard. I went to Hogwarts school of Witchcraft and Wizardry and I was the “the Chosen One”.

: Oh, what were you chosen for?

: Umm, well I was chosen to fight against the Dark Lord, Voldemort and defeat him and save the world from the dark forces.

: (rolling eyes and suppressing a yawn) Yeah, whatever, so why did you want to meet me?

: Yesterday, Dumbledore, my professor, had a prophetic dream that Voldermort is returning back with enhanced power and we wizards need to combine our forces to fight against the evil forces.

: We, as in me? And You? Are you sure that I’m a wizard?

: Yes, absolutely, Dumbledore can never be wrong. He’s the greatest wizard ever.

: (*wow, this guy has a major fixation on this Dumbledore, wonder what’s the story*)

Ok, so who is the third wizard.

Suddenly there is thundering and lightning and drums beating loudly. Everything goes dark for a minute and then there is bright light everywhere and on my left was a guy who seemed pretty old but quite handsome. Wait, I know this guy. But he can’t be, he was dead years ago. How? What? When?

: Welcome Rajni Sir to the convention of wizards. It’s a pleasure to have you here.

: Yenna rascala, why do you disturb me from my sleep? I was enjoying in heaven with Ramba and Meneka. I’ll have you thrown into Azkaban prison, mind it!

: (Quivering slightly) Sorry sir, but the news is Voldermort is back and we wizards need to join forces to fight against him.

: What wizard ah? I’m no wizard. I’m the father of all wizards, the greatest wizard of all times.

: (with a slight nervous expression) Sir, I disagree, because the greatest wizard is Dumbledore. He’s the most powerful man.

: (in a thundering voice) You fool, who do you think taught sorcery to Dumbledore?

Harry was stupefied for a minute. I took the opportunity to put in my two cents.

: Rajni sir, I have to say you are awesome. I have seen your movies and you are splendid. Your acting capability, your stunts, your dialogues all of them are mind-blowing.

Rajni sir smirks at Harry as if proving a point. Harry quickly regains his composure.

: Ok, so we need some plans to defeat Voldemort. Any ideas? And yeah, there will be random people who will be joining the conference through calls; some eminent personalities who would be able give awfully imperative advice.

 

: Idhu eppdi irukku?(How’s this?). You show me Voldy and I finish him off. Simple isn’t it. Idhu Rajini Style(This is Rajni style).

I can’t help but giggle.

Beep

: Harry I heard a beep, I guess someone has joined our call.

: Who’s it? Can you please identify yourself?

*Silence*

 

: Yenna rascala, speak up or be prepared to die at the hands of Rajni.

: Wait, I guess I know who it is. It must be our ex-PM Manmohan Singh. Only he can attend a convention and not utter a single word.

: Mr. Singh, you have to speak or disconnect. We are in a crisis and we need some serious advice.

: Theek Hai. (Mr. Singh disconnects the call).

No wonder he was called the mute prime minister.

: Harry, is there a way to get Voldy on this meeting, then Rajni sir can finish him off. I have complete confidence in Rajni sir and his abilities.

Rajni sir beams at me.

Beep. And instantly we hear a whiny voice.

 

What’s this meetings? Where is the medias? I want public peoples to know the truths about me. I will call press. I will call police. I wants justice. I will call medias. I am celebrity. All peoples loving me only. I feels people, you know? All peoples kissing me…

Harry flounders for a while before disconnecting the person from the call.

: What…Who was that? I mean…Umm, I mean…

: That must be Raakhi Sawant, the item girl, the hot on-screen sizzler of yesteryears.  How I wish we could have had the Manmohan silence when Rakhi Sawant speaks.

: (Still shaken by the incident) Ok. And to answer your question Voldermort will appear only when he desires. Nobody can force him but yes he’s on a revenge mission so he would want to kill me, I guess.

 

: Rascala, then it’s easy. We just put you out on bait and lure oldy Voldy to come out of his hole. And once he does that then pow, wow he’s dead meat.

 

: (a bit flustered now, I guess he didn’t want to be put out as bait.) Umm, what do you think you are?

 

: Pera kettaale chumma adhirudhulla! (Doesn't everything quake at the mere mention of my name?)

 Beep.

Chake de Patte, oye! You cannot make Omelets without breaking the eggs. One, who doesn’t throw the dice, can never expect to score a six. The cat with gloves catches no mice.

: Ah, a person who starts off with a Punjabi greeting and then successively makes quotes which does not have any correlation with each other. My guess is that this is Navjot Singh Sidhu.

 

: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Chha gaye guru!

 

 : Stop laughing you buffoon.

 

 

: Rajni, anybody can pilot a ship when the sea is calm. You may have a heart of gold, but so does a hard-boiled egg. Anyway what are you doing here? Don’t you have anything else to do?

 

 : Naan eppo varuven, epdi varuvennu yarukkum theriyathu. Aana vara vendiya nerathula.( 'No one can tell when or how I'll arrive -- but I always do, when the time is right')

  

By now I’m pulling my hairs out. I had had enough of these men and their dialogues,

: Psst Harry, Harry let’s forget Voldy and this saving the world business and save our ass when we can. Let’s run when we can, like NOW!

: What? And leave the world to the mercy of the Dark Lord? Never. I’m the Chosen One. The whole world looks upon me to save them. I have to protect them from Voldermort.

Beep.

 

: Harry, you scum, you filth, enough of your saving the world business. Come and do the dishes and change the baby’s nappy, how do you think we will pay the bills if you don’t work and earn money. Leave the saving business to other superheroes like Spiderman. Get your ass back out here, you Undesirable No.1

: (wincing) Maybe you are right Advika, it’s best to quit when I’m ahead. Luck only favors you once and I think I had my chance in the last duel against Voldy. Adios, I’m going back to my wife and kids.

I look at Rajni and Sidhu still battling out with their dialogue duel and quickly transport myself back to my home. That was quite a birthday.

P.S: Rajni and Sidhu's dialogues sourced from rediff.com and desitwist.com

*This post is written for WeChat contest at Indiblogger.in*

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