Together We Can

For every girl marriage evokes mixed feelings in her heart-while she is happy and excited to be part of a new family, she is also sad to leave behind her own loved family members- her parents, siblings, grandparents, her cousins and her aunts and uncles. While some do understand the pain and anxiety of the new bride in this strenuous phase of her life and help her to adjust and cope, there are some who take pleasure in embarrassing her and making her feel awkward. The only person that the bride is most comfortable with and expects to be at her side is her husband. And it’s the husband’s responsibility to ensure that his wife does not feel ill at ease in her new home.

Mine was an arranged marriage and my husband has a large extended family. When people joked and said that it would take at least a year to get to know all the members of my in-law’s family, I could feel my apprehension growing. My own family is a small but well-knit one and I was not really proud of my nonexistent social skills. I’m what you’d call as an introvert but I decided to keep my best foot forward and make an effort to please my in-laws by getting along with all.

After my wedding I bid a tearful adieu to my family and started my journey towards my new home. I sat with my husband as all his relatives came and introduced themselves. I tried to remember their names and how they were related to my husband. There was this lady, who was a close relative and while everyone was being extra nice to me, this lady started making snide remarks. She kept taunting me with a smile on her face. I tried to ignore her remarks in the beginning but after a while it started getting on my nerves.

Next morning there was pooja arranged in my new home and unfortunately this lady volunteered to help me get ready.  She started insulting my family by remarking on the poor quality of my saris and jewellery. That’s when things went beyond my tolerance level and we exchanged few words. I was really hurt because I didn’t know what I had done to antagonize her. When I talked to my husband about it, he said not to worry about it and not to react back. I was really disappointed and upset because I had expected my husband to stand up for me. I was silent and withdrawn for the next few days and if people realized it, they did not comment.

After few days my husband and I had to visit my family to complete a wedding ritual. I was happy and eager to be welcomed back with open arms. When I saw my mother, I couldn’t control the tears that welled up in my eyes. I chatted with my cousins like we had been separated for years. My brothers recalled all the funny incidents of our childhood that helped me lighten up. I felt my worries giving away with laughter and the fun that I was having. It was a perfect day and with the love and warmth that I received from my family I felt my strength and resolve returning.

In the evening we all went to the beach where I had spent many of my childhood evenings. My mother pulled me aside and asked me how I was doing in my new home. I confessed about my predicament and explained the hurt I had felt when my husband hadn’t supported me. My mother then advised me that the key to a successful marriage was communication and mutual trust and respect. She explained that it was normal to feel awkward in the initial phases of marriage but with time I’d feel as comfortable with my husband’s family as I was with my own.

Her wise words put me at ease and I vowed to be patient and strong. That day I spent with my family remains etched in my memory because I realized the importance of love, support and acceptance. The day that I spent laughing and having fun relaxed me during a turbulent phase and made me understand that life is a bed of roses and thorns and the bad days are needed for us to appreciate the good moments. 

https://housing.com/

Finding Strength in the Middle of a Storm #lookup

This incident occurred in the early months of the year 2007. My mother was soon to retire from her bank and I was busy and occupied in my new fledgling IT career that was going splendidly well. On one particularly warm night my mother asked me if I wanted to accompany her to drink tender coconut from the nearby shop. It was almost 8 o’clock and my mother’s night vision isn’t great, so I agreed to go along. My friend and I were continuously messaging each other on phone about office work and I was not really paying attention to where we were going.

On our way back, I took the short flight of steps leading down to our building and my mother took the small sloped driveway that had sand scattered over it. I was busy chatting with my friend when my mother slipped and fell hard on the cement pavement. It took me few seconds to realize what had happened. My mom had fallen on her back and since the landing was hard she must have broken some bones. She found it impossible to move because of the searing pain in her back.

Ever since I was a little child, whenever I saw my mom in pain or suffering due to injury my mind goes blank and I panic. I just cannot think straight. And that day too, when I saw my mother in tears, a cold terror gripped my heart. I ran inside our house and called out to my brother and we somehow managed to take her to the hospital. All through the ride my mother gritted her teeth in an attempt to bear the pain but assured us that she was fine.

When we reached the orthopedic doctor, he advised us to get a series of tests conducted after which he confirmed that my mother had fractured her backbone. What made things worse is my mother’s old age which made healing slow and her brittle bones that may have had a severe impact due to the fracture. He further warned us that if my mother did not undergo complete bed rest for the next 6 months, there was a danger of paralysis. My blood ran cold and I almost fainted listening to his words. I regretted for not taking care to see where my mother was walking. When we went on walks, I always reminded my mother to walk carefully or alerted her if there was a slippery area.

After reaching home my brothers and I realized the gravity of the situation. I didn’t have the necessary skills to manage a house or cook meals and I hadn’t really bothered to learn because my mother took care of us. Not only I had to cook, clean and look after the house but I also had to take care of my bedridden mother. We couldn’t afford to keep a full time nurse and a cook but our neighboring aunty offered to cook lunch for us for a paltry pay for the next few months.

I lost count of nights when I cried myself to sleep. It was difficult to see my normally active mother in bed with a cast around her waist. She took absence of leave from her bank and my brothers and I took turns to apply leave from office. In the beginning I was clueless about how to care for my mother or how to balance my office work and home. My poor brothers never complained once about eating overcooked dal or half burnt chapattis. After one particularly harrowing incident in kitchen I was ready to call it quits. My life was a mess because I couldn’t concentrate in office and at home I only thought about pending work and imminent deadlines. I cursed myself for my negligence and blamed myself for my mother’s injury. I was filled with negative thoughts and was on the brink of depression.

Then one day when I was at home, my mother called me to her bedside. She had tears in her eyes. I went into panic mode and asked her if she was in pain. She just took my hand and kissed it and thanked me for looking after her.

She said that she was sorry for what happened and she should have been careful about where she was walking. She said because of her mistake her children were suffering and she had to be dependent on them for every tiny little thing. She promised to get better soon; in fact she resolved to heal even before the doctor’s timeline of 6 months. She wanted to get better because she didn’t want to be a burden on us. She thanked me because I was looking after her like a child- feeding, bathing and even helping her in the toilet without uttering one word of complaint. And she said that she was proud and fortunate for having a daughter like me.

Needless to say we were both in tears and hugging hard like our lives depended on each other. And in a way it did. My mother’s words filled me with optimism about our dismal situation. I knew that I was doing best to my abilities to help my mother.

I prepared a schedule and got up early everyday so that I wouldn’t be in a hurry. Saturdays and Sundays I learnt cooking from a book that I bought. I helped my mother to take few steps everyday and spent some time with her talking or watching television. Gradually my mother’s injury healed and in 4 months she was walking around the house.

Even now my mother proudly recalls about the way I took complete care of her during those days. Only I know about how mentally weak I had become and how my mother’s kind word had filled me with optimism and hope for the future.  It had given me the strength to survive in the storm that had threatened to play havoc in our lives.

This post was written for Look Up Stories

My Journey from OR to AND- #UseYourAnd

Life is full of irony and sometimes God goes out His way to prove that to us.

My mother and I are close. In fact when I was a teenager we were more like friends rather than mother and daughter. I confided in her about my crushes or if I liked a guy in college I could, without any hesitation, talk to my mom about my infatuation. I grew up without my father and I have seen my mom struggling to bring up her 3 children. She had to rebuild her life after the death of my father and from being a mere housewife, she had to venture into an alien world where women went to offices and worked alongside with men and were solo providers for the entire family. I have always been proud of my mom, for her courage to stand tall in any adversity.

Me and my mom.

Isn’t it an irony that my fate and the fate of the woman I am so proud of is poles apart and is as different as day and night. When my dad was alive, my mother was a housewife. When she stepped outside alone it was to buy groceries or for ferrying her children from school to home. Her home, her husband and her children were here world and apart from managing the finances of her house, she was blissfully unaware of other finances. You can imagine her horror when after the death of her husband she had to work in a bank and she had zero knowledge of the banking domain. Not only she had to financially provide for her family but she had to single-handedly educate and raise her children. Definitely a daunting task but she stood tall and though I am sure she would have felt like quitting on more than one occasion, she did not.

Time can be a tough taskmaster, testing one’s perseverance and resolve but my mom did beat Time in its own game. She proved that she can be a housewife AND a mother AND an independent woman who can provide for her own family.  Just because a woman is a housewife, it does not mean that she does not have the capability to venture into the professional world and contribute financially to the running of her family. She proved everyone wrong who assumed that homemakers are just good for making rotis and taking care of the household chores and tutoring their children in the evening. My mother was never there for the Parent-Teacher meetings at my school but she was there for me when I wanted to confide in a friend. If that is not an indication of a successful and dedicated parent, then I don’t know what is!

Source-istockphoto.com

Now let’s shift the focus on to me for a little bit, shall we?

I am a software engineer and after earning a degree in Engineering I worked for more than a decade. I am an independent woman who used to earn a 5 figure salary and financially contributed more than my husband. Yet, I chose to give it up all and opted to remain at home, foregoing my financial independence and my career. Some said that it was a foolish decision, to give up my career when I had a good job and a lucrative paycheck. Why did I sacrifice my career despite the well-meaning advices from concerned relatives? I decided to do it for the sake of my daughter.  IT career takes its toll on the employer’s family life and every time I left my daughter at her daycare I felt that I was missing out on the most important phase of her life. At work, I could not think of anything else but home and my child and when I was at home, I worried about the deadline at work. For a working mother, balancing her professional and personal life is like walking a tightrope and I had a feeling that I was not doing justice to both facets of my life.

There were many who wanted to rub salt on my wounds and commented on my incapability to smoothly run a household. They would snigger at my failed attempts to prepare a decent dish in the kitchen, ignorant of the fact that most of my free time at home was spent at having quality time with my daughter. After all I had precious little time to spend with her. I was frustrated and had no peace of mind. When finally things reached a breaking point, I opted to give up my career and send some time with my family. Of course the break was not temporary and although I am at home I still earn by doing freelancer writing work.

Source- istockphoto.com

I transformed from an independent, career-orientated women to a housewife for her family. I am a homemaker AND a writer AND a software engineer AND a loving mother AND a self-made woman. What I find irksome is that we woman are forced to prove ourselves time and again by a society with double-standards thoughts.

Although our destinies may be different, my mother and I are unconventional women because we chose our own paths irrespective of what society dictated for us. We have the spunk in us to decide what we wanted to be. We refused to be shackled by a particular role defined for us and freed ourselves to find our own individualities.

“This post is a part of #UseYourAnd activity at BlogAdda in association with Gillette Venus“.

Pre-Marital Sex: Right or Wrong

Sex is a taboo topic in India and although ours is the land of Kamasutra and erotic temples of Khajuraho, we still change channels on our television when so much as a passionate hug is shared between a boy and a girl in a movie. Isn’t it an irony then that our forefathers were so progressive and liberal while in the present century of advanced technology and contemporary thoughts, sex is only talked in hushed tones behind closed doors?

There is too much emphasis given on sex, after all it’s just a natural act of coupling. But right from childhood, the act of sex is correlated with righteousness. We are taught to believe that anything related to sex, before one’s marriage, is considered to be wrong. And if you are a girl in Indian society then you have to preserve your virginity, like a precious jewel, until the time you get married to your prince charming. Never mind if your prince charming is an ugly toad, whose number of sexual experiences exceed the combined sum of his and your age. But a bride who does not bleed on her first night? Oh no, she is a slut alright!

Source-

http://talkingbrian.com/

I realize that I am writing bluntly and candidly but enough of dodging and sidestepping on the topic of sex. When a child grows into his/her adolescent years it is but natural for him/her to be curious about the opposite sex and take an interest in finding about what all the fuss is about sex. And when adults try to suppress their curiosity and conceal the truth, their inquisitiveness only increases. They then turn to other modes of information like friends with half-baked knowledge or porn or internet. Instead why not tell them the truth, I know it is not easy as it sounds and things can become awkward. But isn’t it better that your kids get the information from you rather than from improper and unreliable sources?

Too much of importance is given to celibacy before marriage in Indian society. Our society frowns upon a girl who moves around with boys or a girl who has a boyfriend before marriage. Pestering aunties with wagging tongues are quick to criticize a girl who wears western clothes and comes home late in the night. But after marriage the same girl is supposed to share her body with a stranger whom she has barely known for a few months. Isn’t it absurd? All her life her parents and society has drilled the thought in her that strangers are dangerous and now she is supposed to sleep with a stranger? No wonder Indian women are confused and depressed!

Source- http://www.burnabrain.com/

I find nothing wrong with pre-marital sex as long as it involves two consenting adults and safe sex methods are practiced. After all, I think, a boy or a girl above 18 years of age knows what physical relationship is about. And if they don’t, then again this is why sex education is important and the need of this generation. When your son or daughter reaches adolescence it is impossible to restrict them from meeting people and naturally they are attracted to members of opposite sex. But what you can do as responsible parents is, empower them with knowledge and trust them to take a right decision.

Things do turn into mess and chaos when a man and a woman engage in a physical relationship and then maybe their engagement breaks off or their relationship does not culminate in a marriage. But really in this fickle age where nothing stays the same forever, it is but foolish to have pre-marital sex if you are not fully prepared and well aware of the consequences.

Source-http://time4thinkers.com/

Of course our society is slowly progressing in thoughts and quietly accepting single parents or children born out of wedlock. It’s quite common to see couples in live in relationships in cities. But I guess a lot has to change in rural villages where a new bride’s mother-in-law still inspects for blood on the white bed linen used for her son’s first night after his nuptials.

When it comes to pre-marital sex, there is no right or wrong. It is an individual’s decision. As long as the people involved in casual sex are fully aware of what they are getting into, I don’t see why a third person gets a say! What I do think is wrong, is when a man who is regular customer in the red light areas and has been treated multiple times for STDs expects his bride to be a virgin.

The debate on pre-marital sex can be never ending and there is a thin line between what is right and wrong but I completely believe that it’s an individual’s perspective. Prohibiting or forbidding someone from having sex will only lead to aggression and defiance.

I do love reading books centered on strong women who have gone against society’s diktat and in fact I am currently reading the latest book from Preethi Shenoy where the female character has a child out of wedlock. Another promising and interesting book based on a mystical true love story is Poonaam Uppal’s “A Passionaate Gospel of True Love : A Mystical True Love Story”. The story is based on a lead character Moh Lal Rai, who embarks on a journey to find her ancient lover and her true love and accidentally unlocks the, extinct, cryptic most guarded secret 'Ancient Art of True Love'. Sounds baffling? Do read more about the story here and let me know your opinion on pre-marital sex in the comments section.

This post was written for "Yes or No to Pre-Marital Sex" contest hosted by Indiblogger.

Book Review 2014 #15 : How Will I Know by Sheila O'Flanagan

Title: How Will I Know

Author: Sheila O'Flanagan

About the story:  It was love at first sight for Claire and Bill Hudson. They met at Claire's fifth birthday party and they were destined to be together for the rest of their lives. When baby Georgia came along, it was the icing on the cake.

So when a tragic accident snatched Bill away, Claire felt like she'd lost everything--except Georgia. In the three years since, Claire has devoted her life to Georgia; she knows no man could ever replace Bill, and the child needs all her attention. Now Georgia's a teenager, though, and there's one thing Claire can't advise her on: dating. And so, purely to help her lovely young daughter in her journey through the teenage years, Claire sets out on some serial dating. And destiny is watching, again.

Review: This was one of the many books that I bought from this books-by-weight store and the first one that I read from the lot. Sheila O’Flanagan has authored many wonderful books and I have read her book “Suddenly Single” few years back and quite liked it.

‘How Will I Know’ is the story of Claire, living in Dublin, and trying to come to terms with the sudden and tragic death of her husband, Bill, who was her childhood sweetheart too. Claire tries her best to the perfect mother for her daughter Georgia but she realizes that when it comes to giving relationship advice to her teenage daughter, she fails miserably.

So she decides to enter the dating scene again, just to gain more knowledge and to be able to help out her daughter in matters of heart and love.

This book definitely takes time to pick up the pace and in first few pages it looked to be a little dreary. But as the story progresses forward, it gains a sweet little life of its own. What shines brightly through is the wonderful, yet pragmatic bond between the mother and daughter.

I found myself wishing that I could have such an open and honest relationship with my daughter. Few scenes where Claire goes out on dates with men and ends being disastrous events are amusing. It’s a perfect summer/cozy read that is sure to warm your heart. That is if you can survive through the first hundred pages or so!

Rating: 3.5/5

Fearless in a Big Bad City

As Annie’s stop approached, she got down from her bus but she was scared when she saw a dark, smarmy looking man waiting in the shadows near the bus shelter.

She began walking rapidly towards her house and even though it was a dark, cloudy night, she could see the man following a few steps behind her.

This had been happening for few days and now she wished that she had had a brother, a father or at least a boyfriend who could protect her but then Annie was an orphan and she told herself that if she could defend herself all through her life then she could fight on her own too.

“Hey you, slime ball, why don’t you show your face instead of hiding in the shadows so that when the police have you behind the bars I can identify you”, she shouted loudly, turning back and confronting the stranger.

As the man ran away, scared at her outburst, Annie smiled and decided to enroll herself in a self-defense class immediately; after all she was a fearless, single, independent woman in big, bad world.

Note- Written for Lillie McFerrin 5 sentence fiction- Fearless

Black Beauty

Whoever said “Black is beautiful” had his/her thoughts in the right place. No other color evokes so many adjectives in my mind. When I look at black the word that comes immediately to my mind is stylish. And then black is also intrigue, cryptic, sleek and sexy. Plus black makes me look thin. Now, I don’t know of any other color that can boast of so many attributes attached to it.

But I guess not everyone is of the opinion that black is beautiful. My adolescent teenage years were spent in squandering quite a fortune in the pursuit of a fairness cream that could magically turn my brown-duskish skin into a pearly white. You know, how they show in those advertisements where the waif like girl promises that the XYZ cream that she is promoting can incredibly turn any “Indian” skin tone to gora-gora complexion. Duh!

Well, it took me more than a decade to get comfortable in my own skin and invent my own witty comebacks to those aunties who never fail to comment on my skin tone at any gathering or functions. My skin will never be “fair and lovely”, but #whattheblack, I am still a successful, strong, contented women who lives her life on her own terms. So all those adverts trying to insinuate that to achieve your dreams you need to be fair or handsome, is utterly crap!

Now, enough of those pestering aunties and let’s get down to the list of 5 drool-worthy things in black that I would absolutely love to own. 

     Little Black Dress- I think it’s mandatory that every girl must possess at least one item in her wardrobe that’s black and is her favorite. I know I have a black top and whenever I have a doubt in my mind on what to wear for an occasion my hand, as if on auto-pilot, picks up this black top. I can pair it with absolutely anything-jeans, skirt, Capris, shorts. And since this top of mine is getting pretty worn out and old, I guess it’s time I got a new dress in Black.

     Black Stilettos- Of course, I couldn’t pair my LBD with flats or sneakers (those are the only ones that I own). So I decided to go all out and buy black stilettos too. And I absolutely love those strappy one’s with little peep toes with lots of wriggling space for my oversized toes. Don’t you love the one’s below? I was practically drooling over my laptop as I saw them. Now only if I could learn to walk in these.

     Black Laptop- Few years back when I was buying a laptop I did a mistake. I went for a red Dell Inspiron. I don’t know what I was thinking back then, but it was a horrible, horrible mistake. Now, every time I take out my laptop I can only ruefully shake my head. So given a chance I would love to own a sleek, black laptop like the one below. Pretty cool, huh?

Black sleek car- If ever I was invited for walking on the red carpet at Cannes, I can picture myself getting out of a sleek, black car, like the Audi below, and waving at my fans elegantly. Everything about a swanky black car shouts sleek, stylish and sexy. Not to mention grace and panache.

    Black shades- I totally love sunglasses. They are perfect when going out for lunch with friends or a shopping spree. Unlike many who love colored frames, I love black ones. It gives an enigmatic, mysterious look to the person wearing it. No one can go wrong with black shades. 

So those are my 5 favorite black things that I would like to own. And next time when anyone gives you grief for wearing black or for being “brown-skinned”, just holler #whattheblack right back at them. :)

This post is a part of #WhatTheBlack activity at BlogAdda.com