Pre-Marital Sex: Right or Wrong

Sex is a taboo topic in India and although ours is the land of Kamasutra and erotic temples of Khajuraho, we still change channels on our television when so much as a passionate hug is shared between a boy and a girl in a movie. Isn’t it an irony then that our forefathers were so progressive and liberal while in the present century of advanced technology and contemporary thoughts, sex is only talked in hushed tones behind closed doors?

There is too much emphasis given on sex, after all it’s just a natural act of coupling. But right from childhood, the act of sex is correlated with righteousness. We are taught to believe that anything related to sex, before one’s marriage, is considered to be wrong. And if you are a girl in Indian society then you have to preserve your virginity, like a precious jewel, until the time you get married to your prince charming. Never mind if your prince charming is an ugly toad, whose number of sexual experiences exceed the combined sum of his and your age. But a bride who does not bleed on her first night? Oh no, she is a slut alright!

Source-

http://talkingbrian.com/

I realize that I am writing bluntly and candidly but enough of dodging and sidestepping on the topic of sex. When a child grows into his/her adolescent years it is but natural for him/her to be curious about the opposite sex and take an interest in finding about what all the fuss is about sex. And when adults try to suppress their curiosity and conceal the truth, their inquisitiveness only increases. They then turn to other modes of information like friends with half-baked knowledge or porn or internet. Instead why not tell them the truth, I know it is not easy as it sounds and things can become awkward. But isn’t it better that your kids get the information from you rather than from improper and unreliable sources?

Too much of importance is given to celibacy before marriage in Indian society. Our society frowns upon a girl who moves around with boys or a girl who has a boyfriend before marriage. Pestering aunties with wagging tongues are quick to criticize a girl who wears western clothes and comes home late in the night. But after marriage the same girl is supposed to share her body with a stranger whom she has barely known for a few months. Isn’t it absurd? All her life her parents and society has drilled the thought in her that strangers are dangerous and now she is supposed to sleep with a stranger? No wonder Indian women are confused and depressed!

Source- http://www.burnabrain.com/

I find nothing wrong with pre-marital sex as long as it involves two consenting adults and safe sex methods are practiced. After all, I think, a boy or a girl above 18 years of age knows what physical relationship is about. And if they don’t, then again this is why sex education is important and the need of this generation. When your son or daughter reaches adolescence it is impossible to restrict them from meeting people and naturally they are attracted to members of opposite sex. But what you can do as responsible parents is, empower them with knowledge and trust them to take a right decision.

Things do turn into mess and chaos when a man and a woman engage in a physical relationship and then maybe their engagement breaks off or their relationship does not culminate in a marriage. But really in this fickle age where nothing stays the same forever, it is but foolish to have pre-marital sex if you are not fully prepared and well aware of the consequences.

Source-http://time4thinkers.com/

Of course our society is slowly progressing in thoughts and quietly accepting single parents or children born out of wedlock. It’s quite common to see couples in live in relationships in cities. But I guess a lot has to change in rural villages where a new bride’s mother-in-law still inspects for blood on the white bed linen used for her son’s first night after his nuptials.

When it comes to pre-marital sex, there is no right or wrong. It is an individual’s decision. As long as the people involved in casual sex are fully aware of what they are getting into, I don’t see why a third person gets a say! What I do think is wrong, is when a man who is regular customer in the red light areas and has been treated multiple times for STDs expects his bride to be a virgin.

The debate on pre-marital sex can be never ending and there is a thin line between what is right and wrong but I completely believe that it’s an individual’s perspective. Prohibiting or forbidding someone from having sex will only lead to aggression and defiance.

I do love reading books centered on strong women who have gone against society’s diktat and in fact I am currently reading the latest book from Preethi Shenoy where the female character has a child out of wedlock. Another promising and interesting book based on a mystical true love story is Poonaam Uppal’s “A Passionaate Gospel of True Love : A Mystical True Love Story”. The story is based on a lead character Moh Lal Rai, who embarks on a journey to find her ancient lover and her true love and accidentally unlocks the, extinct, cryptic most guarded secret 'Ancient Art of True Love'. Sounds baffling? Do read more about the story here and let me know your opinion on pre-marital sex in the comments section.

This post was written for "Yes or No to Pre-Marital Sex" contest hosted by Indiblogger.

Smart Tips for Being Safe

I have been living in Bangalore for the past 4 years and prior to that, my young teen years and late 20’s were spent in Mangalore. If I were to compare my experiences of living in these two cities then I would say that I feel Bangalore is much safer than my hometown. Although I love Mangalore and I’m proud of my place, there have been many times that I was groped, pushed or touched in the wrong places when I was living there. Whenever I was walking in a narrow lane, I was careful that I gave ample space to any passing two-wheelers because I was scared of that random hand extended forward to grope. Although I have had my share of occasional propositions from over-enthusiastic auto rickshaw drivers in Bangalore, I have never experienced any untoward incidents during my stay here (touch wood).

I’m sure every girl has had her share of these unfortunate incidents and would keep some tips stored safely in her memory that she would abide by always. Here are some tips that I feel would be useful to all women to avoid being in a menacing situation.

Accept the truth: The first time I heard about the Nirbhaya case in Delhi, I was sad, shocked and distressed. In fact for one week I was extremely scared when stepping outside my home. But after a week, the numbness began to settle in, the shock factor declined and the initial anger receded. When we read about such cases in papers there is a feeling that such things won’t happen to us, distancing us from the hard reality. But the fact is, those women who were victims of rape were daughters, sisters, wife or girlfriends too. They were as human as anyone of us. It’s time that we accepted that rape can happen to any of us. And the onus is on each of us to be prepared, to stay alert and stay safe.

Be Prepared :  Buy a pepper spray, join a self-defense class, carry a pin or a sharp object like pen knife. You never know when they might come in use. Before heading out of home, always ensure that your mobile is charged and has enough balance to make emergency calls.

Use technology: In today’s world when most of our daily chores are done with the help of advanced technology, why not use it for staying safe and secure too. Apps like Smart Suraksha might save the day for women when in a sticky situation. This Android application sends a message to 5 pre-chosen contacts with just a touch of a button. It also recognizes and sends a message about your location to the chosen contacts even if the GPS setting is switched off on your phone. My only hope is that this application becomes available in an ordinary phone so that every woman, irrespective of if she has a smart phone or not, can make use of this brilliant app.

Inform:  Always inform your family members of your whereabouts or if you are held up somewhere due to some reason. If you are travelling alone in an auto or company cab during late hours, make the call while travelling so that the driver knows you have informed about your location, which will discourage the driver from attempting anything dangerous.

Stay alert: When travelling in an auto, always note down the registration number and the driver’s name. Talk loudly and confidently and refuse if the driver offers to drive through any shortcuts to your destination, especially if you don’t know the routes.

Learn the local language: Learn the local language of the city, even a few words and sentences would help when dealing with local cads who think that if someone is a non-resident of that city then they can easily take them for a ride.

Don’t stall: When walking on the road, take large strides confidently and always walk with your head held high. Stalkers usually target women who shuffle while walking or are busy on their mobile phones. Be aware of your surroundings and walk with a gait that shows you know where you are going.

Be careful when giving out personal details: When giving out your mobile number and address for official purposes or to a friend make sure that others are not listening in. Sometimes we have a tendency to blurt out personal details in front of a crowd but you never know if someone is taking a little too much interest in your information.

Never take too much cash: Never carry too much cash with you or wear bling jewelry that might draw attention of muggers. If, unfortunately you are attacked for money offer the money that you have and ask the mugger to take it and leave, especially if the attacker is armed. If the situation turns worse, run as fast as possible in a zig-zag manner and use Smart Suraksha app to alert your friends and family.

And finally be confident and stay safe but have fun too. Never blame yourself. Women have a right to live, to laugh, and to enjoy as any man. Wearing a mini-skirt or partying late night is no justification for rape. Nothing is! Staying inside the four walls of your home doesn’t necessarily mean that you’ll be safe nor will wearing conservative dresses or addressing all men other than your father and husband as “Bhaiyya” will.

Be alert, act smart and stay safe always!

I am sharing my Smart Suraksha Tips at BlogAdda.com in association with Smart Suraksha App.

Smart Suraksha For Today's Woman: Stay Alert, Stay Safe

This happened sometime during the year 2004-2005, when Mangalore had become a fusion pot of traditional ethics brushed with contemporary and progressive outlook that the young generation tried to adopt. On one side we had orthodox middle class families and a few retrogressive men, who were of the opinion that girls wearing jeans and skirts were screaming to be sexually abused and were of low morals. On the opposite edge we had young girls wanting to explore their freedom, wanting to break free of the shackles and brave enough to take on the world who questioned their integrity or virtues.

During this time a baseless rumor spread akin to a wild fire about a sex trade happening clandestinely in the heart of the city, M G Road. The newly built, Empire Mall, which was the favorite hangout place for girls clad in jeans and miniskirts, sometimes walking hand-in-hand with their boyfriends, became the target of gossip mongers.  The severely bigoted men had a field time singing their “I-told-you-so” songs and insisting that the mall culture entrenched western philosophies in Indian youth and encouraged ideas like dating and pre-marital sex.

My friend Anu was in town during her break from her hectic IT job in Bangalore. We had a whale of a time, hitting all the ice cream joints (if you have been to Mangalore and not visited Pabbas/Ideals then shame on you! ), shopping and talking nineteen to the dozen. Around 8 PM, we decided to check out the new Empire Mall and caught a rick. In Mangalore, we have only 2 seasons, either it’s scalding hot or it’s raining. And we Mangloreans are adjusted to the extremes of these temperatures.

That day when I and Anu went riding in the ill-omened auto rickshaw it was raining cats and dogs. Although we both know Kannada and Tulu (the regional language of Mangalore) and we were born and brought up in Mangalore, we were speaking in English. I don’t know if this put any ideas inside the obnoxious driver’s head, but midway he started grumbling how we youngsters had lost all decency and how the western influence had corrupted our traditional roots.

Something in his voice and conduct rang an alarm bell in our mind. He had a look of pure hatred and disgust on his face which increased the fear in my heart. Anu, who had always been bold and outspoken, asked him to mind his own business and not to speak nonsense, whereas I tried to reason with him that girls who dressed in western clothes were definitely not of low morality. My mistake, because some people are just born with pea-brains, they think that it’s their right to judge others who do not follow their misconstrued principles. 

Now when I think back to the incident how I wish I had the Smart Suraksha app with me. I could have alerted my friends with just a touch of a button, without the perpetrator knowing and I could have alerted the police and avoided the appalling turn of events that happened in the next 10 minutes.

As we reached the mall, the driver had turned more abusive and Anu, who was always alert and smart (smarter than me for sure) called her brother on her mobile and asked him to come near the mall. Her house was quite close to the mall, so she was sure that he would arrive in few minutes. 

When we got down from the auto, it was raining heavily and few people who had dared to venture out were huddled inside the mall. The street was practically deserted. The driver taking advantage of the situation asked for double fare and started arguing with us. Now, I and Anu were clearly seething with anger and refused to pay the fare until he apologized. We were not prepared for what happened next and even today when I think back to the incident, I shudder involuntarily.

The driver, who was clearly a psycho, a mentally deranged person, came out of the auto and raised his hand as if he was planning to hit us. We were terrified and started retreating back to the mall. A few people huddled under the mall’s awning came forward finally, realizing that the driver’s intentions had turned from bad to worse. And fortunately, Anu’s brother also came to help us after few minutes. Realizing that he had been outnumbered, the driver made himself scarce. 

Once we were back in Anu’s house, we realized that we had been lucky to escape. We repented that in the entire commotion we had failed to notice the auto’s registration number. 

In today’s age when crimes against women are increasing at a frighteningly alarming rate, it is imperative that every woman arms herself with ways to protect herself. It’s necessary to stay alert especially in deserted localities. Pepper sprays, heavy umbrellas or bags, learning self-defense methodologies all help in establishing a modicum of security in women. But we also need to utilize advancing technologies in making women feel secure and safe in India.

Apps like Smart Suraksha help not only in alerting friends and family when in an emergency situation, but also provide the exact location and other details, which are sent as an SMS to 5 contacts. It also alerts the police simultaneously, thus enabling the cops to act swiftly and responsibly. 

The onus is on us to act swiftly and smartly. Stay Alert, Stay Safe!

I am participating in the Seeking Smart Suraksha contest at BlogAdda.com in association with Smart Suraksha App.

I Saw, I Learnt

When I was in school and college I learnt a lot things listening (at least I tried to when I was not distracted by the cute boys in class) to the lectures and, it did help me in understanding how stuff worked in our world. But the most crucial lessons in life I have learnt by my own mistakes and experiences or by the blunders committed by others.

I have learnt the most important lesson of life from my mother. And that is financial independence for women. 

My mother had studied only till her tenth class since her father expired during that time and she was forced to give up her education due to financial reasons. She did try acquiring other skills like type-writing but her heart was not in it.

When she got married, she happily settled into the role of a homemaker. My dad was the breadwinner in our home while my mother took care of the children and house. And this suited well for them, never once did my mother express a desire to work outside the home. Until tragedy struck when I was around 4.

My father succumbed to heart attack and expired, leaving my mother a widow at a young age of 35. Suddenly she was faced with a scary task of bringing up three children and providing them shelter, food and education. From a cocooned world she was thrust into a world where she was left to fend for herself and her kids. I can only imagine the dread the she must have felt in her heart at this daunting future ahead of her.

Had she been encouraged to study further or had my father urged her to work after marriage, I guess she wouldn’t have been left high and dry. It’s totally another matter that she learnt to pick up the broken pieces of her life and glued it back together to make into a beautiful and sheltered life for me and my brothers.

But I shudder to think what would have happened to us, had she bowed down to the societal pressure and agreed to stay back at home depending on some of the relatives for money. 

I know that there are some men and women in our world who think that providing education for a girl is futile since anyway she will be provided for by her parents, brothers or her husband. But empowering a daughter, a sister or a wife by educating her and making her financially independent will help you rest in peace that no matter what the future holds for her, she will be able to survive in any part of the world, under any circumstances.

We need to make sure that every girl child is assured her right to education. She deserves to be free, and she deserves to be financially independent. 

Today when I look at my own daughter I make a promise to myself that I’ll provide the best possible education to her, I’ll be there to guide her but I’ll let her make her own decisions, I’ll be there to pick her up whenever she falls, I’ll be there to wipe her tears whenever she fails, I’ll be there to inspire her to get back at life with a renewed vigor and no matter what sphere of career she chooses, I’ll teach her to be independent, I’ll teach her to fly and conquer.

I am sharing what 'I Saw and I Learnt' at BlogAdda.com in association with DoRight.in.

Baby Proof

Long back I had read a novel by Emily Giffin titled “Baby Proof”. It was about a woman who wasn’t particularly fond of children and had a pact with her fiancé that neither would want any children after their marriage. But few years down the line her husband has a change of heart and even goes to the extent of breaking his marriage because his wife would not bear him children. The book wasn’t anything great but I was seriously left wondering if there are women who wouldn’t want to have children. 

At that time my daughter, Adi, was 6 months old and she was the ultimate source of joy and happiness in my life. Don’t get me wrong, she is even today. But now that she is just over a year, I can totally relate to a woman if she comes to me and says that she wouldn’t want to have children after marriage.

So what brought about this change in my mindset? My daughter is no tyrant, she is difficult sometimes but which kid isn’t? What I have realized is that to bring up a child one needs to possess plenty of patience, fortitude and tolerance. Believe me, there were days when I hadn’t had a wink of sleep throughout the night and those days I was not a person anyone would want to greet. Of course things have improved, now that Adi sleeps better at nights. But there are days when I want to pull my hair out and just fall on the bed and sleep for eternity. 

Given a choice I wouldn’t want to change my decision to have a baby (BTW my daughter was not planned, it happened, just like that :O ). I love Adi and thank God every single day for sending her to me, for choosing me as her mother. But there are lots of things that I have sacrificed, as I’m sure, most of the mothers would have done too. I don’t get the “me-time” like before when I used to do things that I loved, I don’t get enough of sleep, I don’t get time to work-out. As soon as I come from office, no matter how tired or bushed I am, Adi immediately comes to me and wants me to pick her up and play with her. 

I don’t blame her though, she doesn’t see me all day so naturally she’s all excited to see her mamma, and all I want to do once I’m home is put my feet up, drink a hot cup of tea and watch a sitcom on TV.

So when a lady says that she loves her life too much to have a baby or that she wouldn’t be able to sacrifice her life for the sake of a baby, I understand. 

If you are not ready for a baby you shouldn’t have one. Period. And no one should force you into having one too. Not your husband, not your in-laws, not your mother and definitely not those pesky aunties.

A few days ago I read somewhere that a two year old baby had died after her parents had locked her in a car and went shopping for hours. When they came back, the baby had died out of suffocation.

I shudder to think what kind of irresponsible parents would do that to their own child. 

If you are simply not ready to have a child, or you love your freedom to an extent that you wouldn’t want to sacrifice it at any cost, then don’t have a child. What’s the big deal? Your neighbors would judge you, your in-laws wouldn’t be too happy, your spouse wouldn’t be that thrilled .You would have to go through the major changes in your body that pregnancy brings along. And unless those people who demand that you bear a child are ready to carry the child for 9 months in their womb, ready to suffer morning-sickness and all those pregnancy discomforts, stand tall and don’t give in to the demands.

Bringing up a child is no child’s play and unless you are ready for the drastic changes in your life then you shouldn’t have one. 

Source: All quotes from http://www.prolificliving.com.