WHAT GOOD AM I WITHOUT YOU

I have been blogging for quite a while now and I have always written about things that affect me the most. But I am yet to write about the most influential person who has affected me unlike any other in my life. Have you ever had the feeling that you are living life for the sake of another person? That without this person, you would rather be dead. I have been constantly living with this feeling throughout my life. And this person, without whom my life would not be same, is my mother.

I lost my dad at very young age, when I was just about 4. But I have never missed having a father cause, I don’t know what it’s like to have a dad. Ever since I remember, I have seen my mother go out to work daily, return in the evening to cook and care for us. She was both our caretaker and care-giver. We were three kids, my two elder brothers and me. Since I was the youngest of the three, I was least affected by some of the major changes that happened in our life after my dad’s death. My mother had never stepped out of the house to work and earn in her life, but after my dad’s death she was suddenly thrust into this alien world. My dad used to work in a bank and after his death the job went to my mom (A policy that was revoked few years back). I dint know at that time, but my mom used to cry every night cause she was scared, she dint understand the banking world(She had studied only till her 10th). She had to work to feed us, but slowly and steadily she learnt and when she retired after 20 years, she was sad cause she would miss a part of her life that she had come to love. Her job, her independence gave her freedom, it instilled confidence in her that she could tackle the world and take care of her children without a man in her life.

My early memories of my childhood was of standing near our house gate every day at 6 PM sharp in a small petticoat and waiting for my mom to return back from her work. When I could see her at the end of the road, I would feel happy, partly because of the goodies she would get for us to eat. I don’t know how she managed to feed, clothe and provide a roof over our heads with her meager salary. She ensured that we got the best of education, especially me, cause she wanted me to be prepared for any obstacles in the world outside. I remember to my naïve mind my mom was a magician who could solve all my problems in a jiffy.





She has been my best friend, a friend with whom I could go shopping with, a friend with whom I could share stories about my crushes as well as heart-breaks, a friend that I could always depend upon. She stood by me at times when everyone was against me, and she had to face a lot of flak for supporting me. I remember the time we took a road trip from Bangalore to Mysore to Ooty. It was only she and me and we had a blast of a time together. We travelled from Bangalore to Mysore in a bus sitting in the last seat, and hysterically thinking that the guy in the next seat is having a shot of heroine (my mom’s version).

My mom is now 64 years and grown old, but I see her so alive and full of energy (She currently wants to learn how to use internet so that we can video chat). I stay miles apart from her now, but it’s mandatory we speak once every day and sometimes more than that. I just don’t think that I can live without her, cause I don’t see any reason for me to live when she’s not there. Being the eternal pessimist that I am, I constantly worry about her old age and deteriorating health. I remember many years back, I had a nightmare that I was sitting in an empty, hollow room and I had lost my mother and there was feeling inside me, like my life was being sucked out of me. I had this dream only once, but every time I remember it, my breath becomes shallow and my heart constricts out of fear. I have never confessed these innermost feelings, cause I am not sure if everybody can understand them. I truly believe that I have found my soul mate in this life and I just really really wish that I can be the same wonderful mother to my kids as my mom is to me.

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