No, I don’t mean that I AM single, but I couldn’t think of any better title for this post. For the past few days, a kind of a rage is brewing up in my mind against our hypocritical society. Let me explain. I know a lady who is a relative from my in law’s side. I have seen her few times in some of the family functions. She is 30 plus, pretty to look, works in a global financial bank. Yet, most of the family members ridicule her when she’s not around. Reason? She is 30 and single. Apparently her parents have been trying to hook her up with a suitable guy for the past few years and somehow these “suitable” guys just do not suit her. She keeps rejecting all proposals and that’s why the single tag is still dangling around her neck. Other members of our family just cannot digest this and have labeled her as arrogant and conceited.
I don’t know this lady personally so I can’t comment if she is snobbish or not. But what I do know and what I do object is, drawing up a conclusion just on the basis that she is single at an age of 30. I myself got married at a late age of 29, so I am not new to the kind of pressure that your family subjects you to, if you are unmarried and above the age of 25. I am not talking about immediate family members but your “concerned” uncles and aunts who come up to you whenever they set their eyes on you and start conversation somewhere on the lines like this: ‘Beti, you are already 29(or whatever god-forbidden-over-the-marriageable age you are), when are you planning to get married. Do you love someone else? Do not go for inter caste marriages. How will your parents face the society? You are already over and above your shelf-life. Who will marry you after 30? Accept the proposals you get and don’t keep your expectations too high’ and so on. Before you get a chance to insert your two cents reply they just move on to talk to your parents, no doubt to hassle them. And you sit in your seat seething and wondering what kind of retail product are you that you have a shelf-life too.
In fact I had completely stopped attending any kind of functions just to avoid the “over-concerned” aunts. But this did not stop the “well-meaning” advices from reaching me, courtesy my mom. Since these aunts couldn’t get hold of me they started pestering my mom who in turn pestered me. If the reason for delaying your marriage is your career or your professional ambitions then God help you, you will be in serious danger of being disowned by your parents. I was subjected to a lot of emotional blackmail from my mother. I loved my freedom a lot and wanted it to last few more years, but alas, it was not to be so…
The irony is, if the situation involves a guy well above the age of 30 and unmarried then the general consensus is that the “poor” guy is unable to find a bride who suits his and his family’s “requirements”. My face goes red with rage thinking of this gender prejudice. I know what I am saying may sound ridiculous or unbelievable to some, but I have faced this personally and know of lot of other girls who continue to face this kind of marriage pressure. I don’t know why there is so much fuss about getting married at a particular age. I feel we should get married, when we are certain that the person we are marrying is the one we want to spend the rest of our life with. Marriage is a serious and crucial decision in everyone’s life and nobody should be forced to compromise on selecting their partners.
Few days back I was watching a program on Zoom channel about single actors in Bollywood and amazingly all the single actresses were over 30-like Rani, Preity and Bipasha. The eternal bachelor of Bollywood, Salman Khan is around 45, but off course he is a male. And men are like wine, the older the better, right? NO. It’s time we changed our mindset and give women the freedom they deserve. Freedom to live their life as they wish, freedom to select their life partners and freedom to choose when they want to get married.
Agreed. In our society, this is not new to get married in the so called marriageable age. But it has gone several changes over the years. I mean, earlier by the time a gal turns 18 (or in some cases) people used start searching for some alliances and get them married to someone... This has changed since then but yeah, people do have that mentatlity which I can say a little improved compared to those days.
ReplyDeleteAnd for guys - they show sympathy though not married till 30+? Well, I don't think so.. I mean I have seen people commenting the same thing just like for gals. And they do get lot of free suggestions.
On the whole, nice post ma'am...
Thanks Sunil for your comments :)
ReplyDeleteMaybe what you say is true and boys do face the same kind of pressure but due to my personal experience I would like to differ. For ex when I was 28, my mom used to get calls daily enquiring if her daughter is planning to get married, if I have accepted a XYZ proposal and so on. But now, my brother is 33 and except for the occasional reminder from my mom to get married, no one else is even bothered!!!
Also for us, the questions do not stop after getting married. After marriage the next question that is bombarded on us is-‘When are you guys planning to have kids’. Aaaarghhh!!! Give us a break.
Sorry, I know not all are as narrow minded as I make it to be. I am just giving an outlet for my pent up frustrations.
I think that when girls earn well, have a good personality and clear ideas, and are not fixed with the idea of marriage at any cost, increasingly they will refuse to get married if they don't like the guy. In the times of transition of social costumes, they will be put under pressure but if they are sure of themselves, they can handle it.
ReplyDeleteHowever, male or female, how we feel inside us is more important. If we feel incomplete without marriage and children, if we are afraid of never finding a partner and remaining alone, then perhaps society's pressures hurt us more.
Nice post :) Yeah that is right... The gals get pressurized earlier than guys... Now they just wait for the gal to complete her studies... After that the uncles and especially the aunties will target her like anything and start getting alliances... It is really disgusting...
ReplyDelete@Sunil Deepak: Thanks for your comments. I guess what you say is true. If a person is truly strong willed then no one can force the person against his/her wishes. After the tiring emotional blackmail from family members and the tense atmosphere in home, most of us feel its better just to say Yes and stop the drama. Anyway we have to get married someday, so it does not matter if it happens today or tomorrow.
ReplyDelete@ Preethika: Hey thanks for your comments. Definitely girls get pressurised for marriage much earlier than guys, but now in arranged marriages guys usually prefer working women(in most cases), so parents at least allow their daughters to work.
ReplyDeleteOnce you reach marriageable age, there's no stopping all the lectures! I personally feel 'marriageable age' is only when the person is ready for a marriage. But sadly society thinks otherwise :) I guess this mindset won't change that quickly. Maybe we can expect some sort of the change in the next couple of generations.
ReplyDeleteThe pressure to get the girls married is immense in our society.
ReplyDeleteThere are few phrases in Tamil
about having unmarried girls of marriageable age that are downright ridiculous.
It is the baggage of the past.
True Prasanna. I got married at 25 and for that itself there was so much pressure - so I can well imagine how it must have been at 29!
ReplyDeleteGuys also face some pressure but its nowhere near what women face and definitely not so early!
I guess the reason that women are supposed to get married soon is because of all the medical funda floating around that after 35 a woman's reproductive system takes a hit. But of course, that doesn't mean that one can marry simply becomes of they've turned a year or two older!
Nice post.
ReplyDeleteItchy, scratchy, people around is always the problem.
We need to put an end to it all and give the girl her complete freedom.