*This post contains a lot of words in regional languages so you may want to keep a translator handy*
Date: 29th March
Place: Bengaluru, India
I opened my PalmPad account as soon as I got up in the morning. My mother kept pestering me that I spent too much time on PalmPad, but I know for a fact that she has an account on Facebook and she checks it at least once a day. Gosh, Facebook is so outdated I don’t even know what my mom uses it for.
Anyway today is my 15th birthday and I am pretty excited to check all the birthday wishes and e-virtual gifts that my friends would have sent. As I opened my inbox, the first mail that I saw was an invite from a person called “The Boy who lived” to connect on WeChat at a place called Hog’s Head Inn.
I was puzzled and curious. Now who was this “The Boy who lived”? And why had he invited me? Wait, there was something below. It was a personal note saying that I was invited to the Tri-Wizards Convention. Now I was really baffled.
I went to my mother to ask if she knew about a “Boy who lived”. But as soon as she sees me she’s onto my case.
Mom: Advika, I know it’s your birthday today, but it doesn’t mean that you can miss your classes. Don’t you need to get ready?
Me: I will mom. Tell me do you know someone called the boy who lived.
Mom: Yes, a little less than 2 decades back we had a very popular fictional character called Harry Potter –There were a series of books and movies made on this character. But why do you want to know?
I just gave her a vague reply and returned back to my room. There were so many questions in my mind. So why was this fictional character Harry Potter inviting me to a convention. Assuming I was the second wizard and Harry the first, then who would be the third wizard at the meeting. I was all consumed by my queries. I decided to join the meeting.
I logged into my WeChat account and connected to the meeting. Now all that was left was to transport myself to Hog’s Head. I purchased some virtual Floo powder and blew it into the meeting with the passcode. Then I clearly said aloud ‘Hog’s Head’.
I was instantly transported to a dark place that looked scary and ominous. I looked around and sitting on my right was a young guy with spectacles. He had kind of a scar mark on his forehead and he looked quite cute in a nerdy way.
: Hi, are you Harry Potter?
: Yes, do you know about me
: Well, I just know that you are a famous fictional character.
: Umm, then let me introduce myself, I’m a wizard. I went to Hogwarts school of Witchcraft and Wizardry and I was the “the Chosen One”.
: Oh, what were you chosen for?
: Umm, well I was chosen to fight against the Dark Lord, Voldemort and defeat him and save the world from the dark forces.
: (rolling eyes and suppressing a yawn) Yeah, whatever, so why did you want to meet me?
: Yesterday, Dumbledore, my professor, had a prophetic dream that Voldermort is returning back with enhanced power and we wizards need to combine our forces to fight against the evil forces.
: We, as in me? And You? Are you sure that I’m a wizard?
: (*wow, this guy has a major fixation on this Dumbledore, wonder what’s the story*)
Ok, so who is the third wizard.
Suddenly there is thundering and lightning and drums beating loudly. Everything goes dark for a minute and then there is bright light everywhere and on my left was a guy who seemed pretty old but quite handsome. Wait, I know this guy. But he can’t be, he was dead years ago. How? What? When?
: Yenna rascala, why do you disturb me from my sleep? I was enjoying in heaven with Ramba and Meneka. I’ll have you thrown into Azkaban prison, mind it!
: (Quivering slightly) Sorry sir, but the news is Voldermort is back and we wizards need to join forces to fight against him.
: (with a slight nervous expression) Sir, I disagree, because the greatest wizard is Dumbledore. He’s the most powerful man.
Harry was stupefied for a minute. I took the opportunity to put in my two cents.
: Rajni sir, I have to say you are awesome. I have seen your movies and you are splendid. Your acting capability, your stunts, your dialogues all of them are mind-blowing.
Rajni sir smirks at Harry as if proving a point. Harry quickly regains his composure.
: Ok, so we need some plans to defeat Voldemort. Any ideas? And yeah, there will be random people who will be joining the conference through calls; some eminent personalities who would be able give awfully imperative advice.
: Idhu eppdi irukku?(How’s this?). You show me Voldy and I finish him off. Simple isn’t it. Idhu Rajini Style(This is Rajni style).
I can’t help but giggle.
: Harry I heard a beep, I guess someone has joined our call.
: Yenna rascala, speak up or be prepared to die at the hands of Rajni.
: Wait, I guess I know who it is. It must be our ex-PM Manmohan Singh. Only he can attend a convention and not utter a single word.
No wonder he was called the mute prime minister.
: Harry, is there a way to get Voldy on this meeting, then Rajni sir can finish him off. I have complete confidence in Rajni sir and his abilities.
Rajni sir beams at me.
Beep. And instantly we hear a whiny voice.
What’s this meetings? Where is the medias? I want public peoples to know the truths about me. I will call press. I will call police. I wants justice. I will call medias. I am celebrity. All peoples loving me only. I feels people, you know? All peoples kissing me…
Harry flounders for a while before disconnecting the person from the call.
: What…Who was that? I mean…Umm, I mean…
: That must be Raakhi Sawant, the item girl, the hot on-screen sizzler of yesteryears. How I wish we could have had the Manmohan silence when Rakhi Sawant speaks.
: (Still shaken by the incident) Ok. And to answer your question Voldermort will appear only when he desires. Nobody can force him but yes he’s on a revenge mission so he would want to kill me, I guess.
: Rascala, then it’s easy. We just put you out on bait and lure oldy Voldy to come out of his hole. And once he does that then pow, wow he’s dead meat.
: (a bit flustered now, I guess he didn’t want to be put out as bait.) Umm, what do you think you are?
: Pera kettaale chumma adhirudhulla! (Doesn't everything quake at the mere mention of my name?)
Chake de Patte, oye! You cannot make Omelets without breaking the eggs. One, who doesn’t throw the dice, can never expect to score a six. The cat with gloves catches no mice.
: Ah, a person who starts off with a Punjabi greeting and then successively makes quotes which does not have any correlation with each other. My guess is that this is Navjot Singh Sidhu.
: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Chha gaye guru!
: Stop laughing you buffoon.
: Rajni, anybody can pilot a ship when the sea is calm. You may have a heart of gold, but so does a hard-boiled egg. Anyway what are you doing here? Don’t you have anything else to do?
: Naan eppo varuven, epdi varuvennu yarukkum theriyathu. Aana vara vendiya nerathula.( 'No one can tell when or how I'll arrive -- but I always do, when the time is right')
By now I’m pulling my hairs out. I had had enough of these men and their dialogues,
: Psst Harry, Harry let’s forget Voldy and this saving the world business and save our ass when we can. Let’s run when we can, like NOW!
: What? And leave the world to the mercy of the Dark Lord? Never. I’m the Chosen One. The whole world looks upon me to save them. I have to protect them from Voldermort.
: Harry, you scum, you filth, enough of your saving the world business. Come and do the dishes and change the baby’s nappy, how do you think we will pay the bills if you don’t work and earn money. Leave the saving business to other superheroes like Spiderman. Get your ass back out here, you Undesirable No.1
: (wincing) Maybe you are right Advika, it’s best to quit when I’m ahead. Luck only favors you once and I think I had my chance in the last duel against Voldy. Adios, I’m going back to my wife and kids.
I look at Rajni and Sidhu still battling out with their dialogue duel and quickly transport myself back to my home. That was quite a birthday.
P.S: Rajni and Sidhu's dialogues sourced from rediff.com and desitwist.com