The battle of the heart and head

 

This post was selected as Blogadda WOW post-Feb 22, 2013

I looked longingly at the large tub of coffee and walnut ice cream in front of me. It was sitting there peering at me innocently, like it was saying to me ‘You wanna have a bite of me, come and have me’. I felt mesmerized; I could see the small droplets of water at the rim of the tub, slowly plummeting towards the table. I followed its path with my eyes and then returned back to the rim where I could just make out the outline of the ice cream. The glorious and scrumptious coffee flavored ice cream with crunchy walnuts.

I already had had a large tuna sandwich and a small bite of apple pie for dinner, but looking at the ice cream I could feel my stomach growling. Was it hunger? It couldn’t be, I had my dinner an hour back. But then I was known for my voracious appetite. 

I was jolted back to reality when I looked at the small pin up on the refrigerator. I was supposed to lose 5 kgs this month. It was the diet chart my dietician had prepared for me. 

I weighed 85 kgs and I was just 16. I went to college to study Commerce, but I hated it. I had very few friends, because most of the girls ridiculed me because of my weight. I was the butt of all fat jokes. I could never be like a normal teenaged girl, going out on dates or partying with other girls. 

I always wanted to be on the cheerleaders team of our college. Sometimes I just sit in the stands, watching the girls perform their twirl and turn routine. How I wish I could be like them, slim and svelte. Then maybe that handsome hunk who was also the football team captain would ask me out.

I started blushing just thinking about him. My eyes returned to the ice cream. Should I eat it? My heart was nodding a vigorous yes where as my head was admonishing me with a stern no. Whom should I listen to? My heart or my head. It was a ferocious battle. Finally at the end I said aloud to myself ‘WTH, I am gonna live for today. I will devour the ice cream today and burn the extra calories tomorrow.’

I lunged at the tub and kept gobbling the ice cream till the tub was clean. I felt guilty about my binge eating. I hated myself because I had no control over my food. I felt disgusted and repulsed. I ran to the bathroom and put my fingers deep in my throat until I had thrown up all the ice cream that I had consumed.

This was my everyday story; I am a victim of Bulimia nervosa.

 This post is a part of Write Over the Weekend, an initiative for Indian Bloggers by BlogAdda